More like Apple Ineptitude.

Looking for diversions to fill the void previously filled by the news cycle, I have a hard time moving off of the topic of how stupid Apple Intelligence advertising and the application itself is so ironically dumb. This morning I was reminded of my own dumbfoundedness after reviewing Anh’s latest weeknotes. There she links to Apple Intelligence is for the Stupid Ones, a witty, sharp criticism on par with a Jim Gaffigan closing commentary for CBS News Sunday Morning. 

Apple Intelligence may be installed on my laptop, tablet, and phone but you will not find me using it voluntarily. If Siri is any indication of the quality of Apple’s new robot capabilities then it’s a hard pass. I will not reach for the AI option to improve my grammar. Even if I tried, I know half the time AI would replace my writing with, “I found some web results, I can show them if you ask again from your iPhone” or “Sorry, there was a problem with the app.” AI is also supposed helpful by providing summaries, and I can only imagine the output of that routine would be extremely useful to people who write esoteric haiku on the mundane zombie apocalypse that is a visit to a shopping mall in Arkansas.

Many years ago I befriended an older gentleman at work who kept his life simple. He had one prized possession, his PowerBook G4 Titanium. He considered it the closest thing he’d ever come to owning an Italian sports car. Steve Smith was a classically trained organist who led high-dollar donor fundraising at our workplace. That is to say, his work was not related to technology in any way, but he loved his Powerbook because he knew it was the best of the best, a symbol of elegance and functionality. He told me that even browsing the web felt like a luxury. Steve felt smart because he understood what it meant to use an Apple device in a world dominated by cheap IBM clones at the time.

Apple hardware and software with Apple Intelligence is the exact opposite of the reverence Steve once felt. If I had kept in touch with him I know he would have a simple, clever, and subtly demeaning statement in his wonderful southern gentlemen slang about this new damn AI. Something like, “They dressed that thing up as if it were goin’ to church, but they forgot to teach it how to sing in the choir.”

I have purchased and used Apple products for three-plus decades now because they have always been and remain the absolute best computer technology. Using a Macbook, an iPad, and an iPhone is a luxury. Apple is a luxury brand, but Apple Intelligence is not. I don’t dispute that Apple needs an artificial intelligence play to remain competitive, but what they have introduced and injected into our hardware and software feels like the Touch Bar version of this technology. It’s there but incredibly unuseful—A buzzword instead of luxurious, yet practical utility.